TRIGGER WARNING – I do more cursing than my usual one-off.
It’s the first Wednesday of the month and I’m about to let my insecurity flag fly. On March 11, 2020 the World Health Organization (WHO) declared COVID-19 a pandemic. I’ve felt ambitions derail due to the disruption of the rigorous routine I needed to maintain to get from my self imposed point A to B. I feel beat to shit from the anxiety of work and travel while conscious of the welfare of all around me, myself and my family.
To share your insecurities join Alex J. Cavanaugh’s group at https://www.insecurewriterssupportgroup.com/p/iwsg-sign-up.html.
I get discouraged, depressed, then look around at others and think to myself, “I’m a selfish asshole for having these feelings.” I have limited responsibilities compared to most. I have my job. My dog. My family is relatively healthy, and I’m lucky enough to be employed using skills I know I’m good at and not just grinding away. I have a friend that has 5 kids, and I haven’t spoken to her in forever. In all fairness the phone does work both ways. Did I mention she has FIVE KIDS? Holy shit. I’d have lost my mind by now. I’m such a dick.
February 2 question – Is there someone who supported or influenced you that perhaps isn’t around anymore? Anyone you miss?
I can try to spin my answer into a positive. I could say, “I’m very fortunate to have many brilliant influencers in my life to miss right now”, and just leave it at that. But that would be disingenuous. The truth is I’m completely deflated. I miss literary salons. I miss events at indie bookstores. I miss San Francisco not sucking. I miss being able to hangout in a public place without having to worry if the bug that kills someone’s unvaccinated granny came from me. I paid good money to see Bruce Campbell’s hysterical ass get roasted at this year’s SF Sketchfest and it got canceled. On top of it all, I feel like a complete douche for whining about that shit.
I can’t win for losing.
That’s all. Reaching out to see if anyone feels the same. Thanks guys.
The awesome co-hosts for the February 2 posting of the IWSG are Joylene Nowell Butler, Jacqui Murray, Sandra Cox, and Lee Lowery!
It’s hard to find anything to disagree with, Adrienne. Yes and yes. And oh yes. A lot of studies coming out that should open the doors and free us all. We’ll see.
I’ve accepted things will never be the same. Re-routing for everyone is hard. We can’t control outcomes. Thank god for online communities. Otherwise I’d feel invisible.
It’s been a long two years, for sure.
Truth. Feels like a lifetime.
Ugh, I know. Having time off work to stay quarantined at home was this special kind of torture, and everything is still very the same but different now. Go easy on yourself. We are all there.
In my head, I am now picturing this Bruce Campbell roast of which you speak. I keep grasping at brief memories of social engagements past. All the time.
Right? I can’t remember the last time I went to an event or show I’d been plotting on how to see by getting the jump on great seats with limited admission. I flip through my IG photos to remember, and I can’t believe it’s only been 2 years!
Oh yes. We are all there with you.
Thank you, Lisa. Happy IWSG Day!
I took care of my disabled husband during 2020, then he died. I couldn’t even have a freaking funeral for him. And then I’ve had to what – go on with life, such as it is, in the pandemic. So yeah, I’ve pretty much done nothing but complain about everything for two years. 🤷♀️
Wow, Lee. And he was such a great support for you. I can’t imagine. My friend described a virtual funeral she attended officiated by PeeWee Herman. We live in upside down world. I hope you’re able to find some closure in these crazy times.
Best best,
A
The last few years have sucked big time for sure. There’s a lot to make us feel negative. Feeling guilty over these negative emotions isn’t helpful either.
Agreed. It’s like living in this pressure cooker of silent discontent.
I miss being able to go out and not worry about getting COVID too. With the numbers so high in Michigan, I’m really restricting who I see, though I do talk on the phone or zoom with frients. I’m looking forward the the numbers going down and warmer weather so I can at least go back to my pre-Omnicron level of seeing people. Hang in there.
Thanks, Natalie. It’s like the never ending winter of 2021-22. Hanging in!
These times are so strange and tough and…unthinkable. We’re all going through something, in various degrees, but we shouldn’t compare our struggles to another’s and think they have it worse so who are we to complain. It’s all hard. All of our struggles are valid. You’re not selfish or anything else you said you are in your post. Sending you hugs.
Thank you, Chrys. Your blog posts are always helpful in their content and inspiration. It’s hard not to trivialize our seemingly small stuff compared to the explosions around us. Hugs to you and your mom!